I’ve posted about the newest member of our family. Sweet little stranded pup that we fostered for all of one hour before putting a bid in to officially adopt? Yeah, her. Luna. Luna - the 5 month old adoptee - is going to be the death of me. We’ve covered her seperation anxiety issues, hence the open bathroom door policy, much like with a toddler. Her entrance into the standing shower with me, her guard on the bathtub ledge when I’m soaking, her refusal to go potty outside unless I pet her for a full 5 minutes upon arriving home, her whining at any door between us until she is let in, etc., but last night takes the cake. There I was sitting in my bubble bath of splendor, when I realized the little sneak had taken off with my razor. HaHa, funny, until I processed what exactly that could mean - an ICU nurse’s mind isn’t a pretty place. I leapt up out of the soapy tub, onto tile, skidding onto the hard wood in my bath time outfit finest (yeah feast your eyes >.>), desperately hoping to find the three razor cartridge, crawling around like a crazy lady in all my dripping glory. I found the wand, but the head was gone. Nowhere. Nothing. I stripped the house apart. I ripped off couch cushions, pulled off the sheets on our bed, lifted rugs, searched high and low, not a glimpse. I even pried open her mouth looking for cuts or abrasions, nothing. I was contemplating the nearest emergency vet, tore through the house again, had processed what they would probably have to do to my poor girl - x-ray then more than likely surgical removal -when I stepped on the upside down (thankfully) offender. My heart raced for hours. I don’t know what would have been worse, my rushing her to the vet with a face mask wrapped in a house coat or her ingesting the damn razors. Shit.
Well, it’s official. Second opinion confirms dad has prostate cancer and surgery is scheduled for the week before Christmas. I hate knowing the things that I know and seeing the things I have in my profession, but if it gets dad the best care at a world renowned specialist and in and out of surgery in less than 2 months, so be it.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, fuck cancer.
Hot yoga, hot bath, hard cider? Yes.
Cold rain isn’t snow.
Love Alaska, Michigan and the Dictionary
I thought I was really getting in shape with all the running and yoga I’ve been doing. So yesterday and today I spent 2 hours respectively raking our 2 acre, fully wooded yard. I feel like my arms are going to fall off and I’m no where near done. Yard work - natures cardio.
It’s been long week. 6 work days so far and another to go. I’ve been with the VA for 10 years now, they’ve been good to me. Which is a round about reason to why I’m working 2 jobs. Working with Vets is my heart and apparently NPs feel the same way.
After finishing my masters and certing my ANP, I have wanted to stay where I am. I’ve moved up to a clinical leadership role, so far though there have been no jobs meeting what it is I’m looking for, so I’m waiting. Meanwhile, I need hours to keep my cert up. That test was a bastard and I in no way wish to repeat it. Hence the part time NP gig - another military one - predictable me. I do pre and post deployment assessments clearing active and reservists for duty.
Anywho, tomorrow is a week straight of work. Something I’m passionate about. Though I’m exhausted. It’s been a while, actually since I was earning my degrees. I worked 13 of every 14 days - for a year. I felt a bone weariness then and I look back and it seems another life. I remember that time we had another scare with dad. They thought he had lung cancer or heart failure. He was cleared, that stress though and fear, was something that I carry with me.
Now it really is cancer. Life altering cancer of a healthy and active man. The strongest willed man I’ve ever known. A man having a 2 ton boom snap and shatter his foot and ankle being told he would never walk again. A man serving 4 tours in Vietnam. My dad. Again.
And here we are. How is this fair? How is this just? I’m tired, I’ve been tired. Mostly though I am angry. He’s a good man. He deserves a better hand. Dad though? He’s made his peace. It would never occur to him to not just ‘go about his rat killing.’ So I’ll take my cues from him.
Tomorrow night is a cathartic burn and brew eve with a near and dear friend and my hubs. In this small piece if heaven we call home. A concreted pad over looking the Cumberland River. A fire pit with cedar another dear one delivered and some rocky tapped bevs.
Best upcoming day? Monday, Veterans Day, I have off and I’m spending it with my old man. Sigh. As it turns out I’m pretty lucky after all. I’m thinking he just might be too.
The sun is shinning it’s A$$ off
I’m tired. My dad was diagnosed with Prostate cancer on Monday, it’s been phone call after phone call, concerned family members, referral requests, appointment scheduling, etc. Everyone wanting to tell me about their loved ones experience with cancer, their outcome, how they coped. It’s exhausting.
I know people are just wanting to be supportive and provide a “light at the end of the tunnel” type of moment, but let’s all be clear – when you have heard potentially life altering news, the last thing you want to hear is every horror story and intimate detail of someone else’s struggle. It’s not that I don’t care per se, but at the moment, your uncles cousins friend, really doesn’t score high on my totem pole of give a fuck. I’d actually like 2 minutes of dammit man, that sucks, I’m sorry to hear that.
Bigger than that even was the lack of response from some key members of my circle. You know those people who call themselves your “besties” but only come around when they need something? Yeah. I get that maybe people don’t know what to say, but honestly, saying “I don’t know what to say” is an improvement over saying nothing or ignoring the voicemail or text.
I can’t say even that I am surprised, or that I’m bothered, it’s actually quite liberating. Disturbing news about a dear loved one, has a way of making insignificant shit just sort-of disappear. So when you call upset that your car won’t start? I can’t be bothered to drop what I’m doing and bring over jumper cables. When you’ve had a fight with your perfectly healthy mother over your life choices? Don’t call me, or do and I’ll muster the “oh I got your message last night and was going to call you” response you gave me.
It’s quite possible I’m in a highly heightened emotional state right now and that I have a tendency to be overreacting. I might be taking things personally that aren’t meant that way. My thoughts and processing of the situation could perhaps be flavored by the fact that I’ve been watching “Don’t Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23” – which is wrongly hysterical BTW. Whatever the change in my usual demeanor, I have moved beyond disappointed to something I’m not familiar with. It’s not rage, or resentfulness, but distance. I feel separation.
For the first time in my life, I can fully distinguish between “friends” and “acquaintances.” I now realize that not everyone you are there for is there for you. That it really doesn’t matter if you’ve known someone for 15 years or 15 minutes, a response or lack thereof, is a genuine reflection of how they feel about you, what place you hold in their life. I can dig that. Perspective can be a twat, it generally doesn’t sugar coat though.
The best part of it all, is that my folks are leaning on me, depending on me. They see me as an adult, a healthcare professional. It’s funny, but I now feel that I am all those things too. Being an adult was never a thing before, now, it’s a forced calm and stillness to focus in the face of shock and unreality, making the tough decisions and going to work the next day. I’m 32, own a house, have been married for 5 years and it’s taken this for me to look at adulthood and recognize it. I’m not overly impressed.
On an upside, I have a solid foundation of awesome people that have returned my call. I have an amazing family that has knitted together for my mom. I have a true partner in this life that just lets my words go where they may. And my dad? He’s going to be just fine.